for a while

;_; nothing will bring you back
the hardest i try wont bring me anything
it'll just be 'awww you're so cute' or something similar to that
this just fucking totally sucks
all the damned drinks in my house sucks shit
shots. fucking hell shots SHOOT ME! KILL ME ALREADY!
fuck.. ive gotta get you out of my system
stupid virus.. go away.. i hate love

you know i do

i'm happy but also a bit disappointed. i can't really describe what i feel right now but i'm pretty sure it's a good thing

fucking hell

fucking prick
god what the fuck is your problem?
i said im doing my homework
next time you touch me my baseball bat is going through your head
im pretty sure that your fucked up brains will drop out of you damned head before my bat can get a dint in it
asshole
you know that the EVERYONE thinks that we will do better without you
what the fuck happened to 'im going vn to find a new wife' idea?
you come back empty handed
it shows that no one in this world wants you cause your so fucked up
someone told me you had a girlfriend in your younger years
how is that even possible?
she must of been really shit housed to see the hypocritical, raging dickhead you are
even your eldest son and daughter cant even stand being a meter near you..

i really make an effort not to like you

relating to keane

it's getting old and i need someone to lean and rely on
hope i move houses soon cause i need somewhere to begin and start fresh
a place where people i know don't know
a place where i only know
so if you have time spend it with me somewhere we only know

linhloves. blogs

yeah i read your blogs LOL
i feel so much like a stalker ><
and yeah you (and pokeeuge) INSPIRED me to make one *flames in the eyes from inspiration*
your blogs are pretty good (Y)
i actually look forward to reading them?

seriously, just maybe

maybe, just maybe..! if you disliked me or didn't care for me more than you do now
maybe i wouldn't like you
i could move on
it'll make sure that there would be no u-turns and no regrets
it would kill me but hey, it could be easier in ways

digital (L)

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?
Why don't you play the game ?

city of my heart

darren chhuon
i heard of him about 3 months after he passed away
he was everywhere especially on youtube
after a while i gave in and watched one of the videos
i looked at the comments and all of them said the same thing; R.I.P
i was eager to find out how he passed away
so i went clicking on all other videos
it stated that he died saving his friends
there was a video that his friend made in memory of darren
i watched that and i cried so hard although i didn't know him
it made me seriously dehydrated
his favourite song before he passed away was city of my heart by lil eddie
i downloaded this song in memory of him

he died as a hero and his legend will live on
he paid the ultimate sacrifice

i want to meet you
i know soon enough i will

old music vid

in search of an old music video?
made somewhere in 2001-2006
house/electronic
it's about this guy and this girl and they were deeply in love and she bought him red chucks as a gift. later she left him. now he dances from dusk to dawn at that very place where she left him to get her back. there are a crowd of about 5 people watching him and they had funny comments. it went something like this:
guy#1 - why is he dancing? is it for money? cause i see no money
guy#2 - no he dances for this girl he loves but she left him ages ago. he always dances in those red chucks. she got it for him.
(they all look at the chucks. it looks old and ragged and there's duck tape around it)
guy#1 - who's the girl? where is she?
guy#2 - i don't know
guy#3 - i heard she got killed
guy#4 - i heard she got hit by a truck
girl#1 - i heard she got struck by lighting

it's cute how he dances to get her back and the guy dances really good too :D


I FOUND IT!! :D yayers its called 'days go by' by dirty vegas
my sister found it for me (:

210809 part II (the good part of this day)

when we reached the station linh went to the car park to get picked up while the rest of us headed to the library. alyssa, linda, maryanne and me went to the library while kathy walked straight to her ride. we played a bit in there, looked at the science projects set up there by our school and then stole some of ralph's and vinh's sparklers from their project. we didn't have lighters on us so we walked across to broady to buy matches and drinks. me and alyssa brought 10 boxes of matches for 2 bucks from woolworths-how cheap-while linda and maryanne stood at the entrance.
we saw matt, i thought he was one of those rebel guys who smoke and stuff so i expected he would have a cigarette and lighter but he doesn't and he says that he isn't a rebel. im suprised. we grabbed 2 drinks and massive bag of chips and walked to back to the library.
in there matt went on a computer on the ground floor while the rest of us talked, ate, drank and mucked around at the tables up stairs. alyssa showed us the things she got on soompi online orders while i read chobits. soon, alyssa went to get on a comp and maryanne left to catch her bus. there was only me and linda left at the tables, i borrowed chobits and linda went to go take a piss.
we headed down stairs. got bored again and walked outside to light the sparklers in broad daylight. it was super windy out there i could have gotten blown away. we failed lighting them like a hundred times before it sparked. matt and alyssa was scared of them. lol
linda was uber hyped about them and wanted more so we walked to broady again to buy them from the reject shop. before we got them we stopped at crispy creme and talked to anna and we also ran into natsha. we returned back to crispy creme and matt, aylssa and anna started talking while me and linda helped out with work-blowing up the balloons. when we left we got 6 donuts for doing the work. my dad called to pick me and linda up since today i didn't wanna take the bus home. cbs.
on our way home we passed by linda's place, she dropped her stuff at home got her laptop and homework. when i got home i ran to my parents bedroom to say hi to my mum. :D she just woke up from sleep.
i jumped on my comp and tranferred all my things onto linda's laptop and then watched the ugly truth. two hours later my parents woke up from napping and told me and linda to make dinner. me cutting the broccoli was epik fail. i didn't know how to do it and neither did linda. my mum walked on me and linda cutting the broccoli and was like 'wtf are you doing? wtf thats not how you do it. omg its this simple' she cut them all in 2 minutes. ==" jeez it took me 15 minutes to cut one bunch.
we sat down for dinner and my mum talked about vietnam and the funeral of her mother's and she got 2 spirit tellers or something to come to my grandma's house so my dead grandpa could visit. it was amazing my grandpa was in the spirit tellers body while the other one described what my housed looked like and where it was and translated what my grandpa was trying to say (and none of them has never been here). she said the address, it was on a hill, the backyard was small with a washing line, the couch was red and squishy with a big tv, a white fridge and she could see me studying in my room. she spirit teller said that she liked the house but she said that my grandpa didn't because of the location and where the sun was rising from. my grandpa said it would be too difficult to live in that house because the sun should rise where the front door is to show the money where to go through and if it isn't you will have trouble with money (and says that we need to move houses). and its true we do have problems with money, heaps. another reason why my grandpa doesn't like this place because apparently there is a ghost hunting the land, a little girl who died in the house before this one. my grandpa said that i will become something like a doctor (and i am im working up to something to do with health and food) and he said that i will be more successful than my brother and sister. and there was this other weird thing that my mum said that the spirit teller said, that i was on the boat to australia with my dad, mum, sister and brother (but i've never even been on a boat before and my mum, sister and brother didn't come on a boat...). for 10 minutes my mum explained to me that everyone who will exist in this world will be tied together by 'strings of soul' or something. and yeah when i 'was' on the boat, everyone felt sick except me which means that im the 'strongest' out of my family. yes an interesting story my mum bought home... and i do believe everything was told and im totally going nag my dad to move houses :D
me and linda did the dishes and my grandma (father's mother), uncle bao and my little cousin jessie came over. they talked to my mum while me and linda played with jessie. linda really, really wanted to light the sparklers so we did, we were going to take jessie with us but couldn't cause jessie was sick, cold and uncle didn't let us. then after that uncle, grandma and jessie went home and took linda home too. i took a shower and this is where i am now. write this.






LOLOLOL
reading this now.. it really doesn't make much sense
but i still know what im talking about

210809 part I (the shit part of this day)

today i woke up at about... well my alarm off at 6.40 but i got out of bed at 7.40. yes, i like to stay in bed specially in winter when your bed is like a hot shower, but way drier (except if you're a guy). um my dad didn't to work today, i think he made it his day off work to go pick up my mum from the airport. my grandmother passed away on thursday 2 weeks ago and my mum made a impulsive get-on-the-next-plane-to-vn decision.
well yeah i got out of bed at 7.40 got dressed and ate some muesli with milk since my sister doesn't like me having cheerios for breakfast. apparently its too sugary and it doesn't keep me filled for longer, buts its sooo nice :D while i was eating i was making my lunch too. when i finished both tasks in making my lunch and eating my breakfast i went into the bathroom to primp myself up.
my sister just had a shower since she didn't come home until after i fell asleep after 2.30. that damn bytch left me to fend for myself in the lonely house while she watched some play with her friends. im always friggen lonely even on msn. i hardly talk to people anymore. well yeah i was home-alone which was pretty scary since i knew that no one was heading home to see me or take care of me, you could have just walked home into my dead body from eating rat poison. jenny was suppose to call me but she got upset again with something so she didn't. her call was suppose to take away the stupid feeling of being lonely.
im getting sidetracked, well yeah she was in the bathroom and i was brushing my teeth and she randomly just turns and looks at me and says 'you need a hair cut'. well thanks you havnt you noticed all the hair lying around the bathroom last week? i have cut my hair. ==" after a while she lifts up the longest part of my hair which is my tail (which is near my right ear) and sees my piercings. she had an 'omfg-wtf-no-way' face on. she stops and says 'what is this?'
i ask her 'what is what? what are you talking about?'. she points out the piercings. i know she doesn't want me to have piercing but so what? you can't stop me. it's my life i can do whatever. it's not like to the extreme or something or im breaking a law. i say 'oh yeah piercings'. she questions me about them and then asks if mum and dad knows. i said 'oh yeah mum totally knows (but which she doesn't except for one) but dad doesn't.' she greased me and walked out of the bathroom. i know she hates it but what can you do? she can't rip it out of my ear.
i went into the kitchen and watched a bit more of tv before my brother came to take me to school. i swear his car trips to school or any where else is always crazy. the other time he almost killed me by purposely trying to crash some bitch into his car. it was funny as caz she was shitting her pants but still trying to take it like a man. yeah we picked up linda on the way to school and was late.
the first 2 periods were s.o.s.e history. boring shit. today i didn't sit next to jinno like i usually would so i sat next to joanne and maryanne. i don't know he seems to be pissing me off lately. he really doesn't take much things seriously and everytime a teacher would be explaining something he would say random things like penis, delicious, vagina or make moaning sounds. i wish he would take his work a bit more seriously.
at recess i was eating an apple and i got bored and squeezed kimsa's up and go drink and it went everywhere on her and she kinda got pissed at me. im sorry kimsa for doing that. then l overheard bao talking about correct uniform it kinda got me pissed and told him to shut up and he got pissed off at me too. i don't know he takes everything too seriously and he planning way too early in life. i mean you can but he's not living life to the fullest at the same time. he's not taking risks and obeys every command that he's parents give. he didn't tell his parents why he need to go scouts to get the badge. he did but didn't explain why. he needs to give a bit of the seriousness to jinno and jinno should give some of his chill-everything-is-going-workout-fine style to bao. im sorry bao for saying shut up for no reason.
the next 2 periods were food tech. we were suppose to be cooking but our teacher was away so it was full theory work. what a drainer and its even worse because that classroom gives me heyfever caz it never gets cleaned.
lunch. we searched up lady gaga's balls on jinno's iphone. ate my lunch, ate chocolate, christian got me a hotdog (it was only given to year 11's) and other random things people were feeding me.
period 5&6 was science and math. science was boring. me, joanne, maryanne, jinno and davis we're doing nothing cause the teacher thought we did all the work cause we're asian.
math was shit. i had a stomach ache from eating too much so i kinda slept through that class. i got up 15 minutes before the bell went and jamie fucking fairbanks decides to bag me for no reason after i commented on something and it wasn't even offending. fucking hypocrite brock laughs so hard his about to piss his pants and then stops and says 'nah im sorry i just noticed it was offending'. jamie now thinks he top shit for a minute so he starts bagging jessica e. she gets just as pissed off as me. i say to jamie that his mum shitted out a face full of bullshit but he doesn't hear because he thinks he's too good. the class hears the whole thing because we were shouting this from across the room. stupid amanda says 'omfg why are you fighting? just leave it yes and you suck tracey' in her high pitched voice (she didn't really say that i sucked but what she said kinda translates to that). the class tells her to shut the fuck up and i put my head back down because at the point my stomach was killing me. everyone thinks im crying and jamie starts act all innoncent and as if he hasn't even done anything and starts shouting out 'its you're fault anyways you always start the things. im sorry it was a joke'. everyone tells jamie to shut up and leave it and i hear jessica telling me not to listen to him cause he's a dickhead. jamie says sorry and it was a joke again. i look at him and stick up my finger and say 'fucking just fucking leave me alone im fucking sick' and i put my head back down. the teacher looks up and says 'hey lanugage and jamie leave her alone you're getting a monday if you don't. you should respect her, shes sick'. he turns to me and asks me if i would like to go the sick bay but i didn't see a point when there was only 10 minutes left. i rested until the bell went for homeroom. i stood there talking to ralph, joanne and i think reymar. jamie comes up to me and apologizes. i blankly stare at him and say 'why do you always pick up things? like are you trying to pick up some sort of fight? i didn't even say anything offending so why are you starting shit for?' he says 'but it was a joke'. i say 'what sort of joke is that? it was offending. you don't see me laughing? so it's obviously not one to me. stop trying to pick up shit jamie'. he was like okay, okay, alright, im sorry and walked away. he looked no where near sorry.
after homeroom i walked to the station with alyssa, linda, kathy, maryanne and linh...

that unloved feeling

finding out that jessie and huy are dating hurts
that 'unloved' feeling all comes rushing back to me once again
i feel lonely and like there's nothing where my heart is suppose to be

and there goes the bell for my dinner...
10.51 home-alone talking to no one
not even the people on msn (except one but she started the convo)
walking to get my dinner the pressure on my heels, toes and the rest of my foot feels good
and makes me want to walk a million more miles until it bleeds
maybe that will help take away the pain of being lonely and unloved

in this moment

i feel like crying..

partying crap

i can't believe i was excited to see you
first you hardly even made any eye contact
then you ran away from me
i felt like a monster or something strapped with bombs
like hugging me was dangerous and i could just explode in any second of any sort of contact

when you ran away it was pretty shattering
i've spent my whole time knowing you chasing after you
im over it and i don't wanna chase after you anymore
even though i still kinda do
i really don't wanna see you again
because every time i do this is how i end up feeling

and another thing!
i cant believe you (someone else not the same person) expected me to wait out side for 2 hours until the movie ended
jeez what a fucking friend you are

+ (i forgot to add this but) the whole time i felt lonely and left out

hrmm

i think it's because you told me that you only thought of me as your friend
im not really angry or sad
i think that's why im taking this well
not all crying in the sad corner and throwing hissy fits

but i still got a load of questions to ask you piled up in the back of my mind

time

it's almost over
i can feel it
i just know it just a little while more
i don't want someone else
the thought of it hurts me already
but it's been going on for too long
and nothing has come back good
it just ends up hurting me

to get back up and start all over again
it has to reach the limit
and experience the most heart piercing pain
and i just passed it
i know i did
i can feel it in my heart and bones

i don't know why but i'm sort of thankful
i don't feel angry
but i feel a smear of sadness is across my face and heart

from birth to death

When you long with all your heart for someone to love you, a madness grows there that shakes all sense from the trees and the water and the earth. And nothing lives for you, except the long deep bitter want. And this is what everyone feels from birth to death.
- Denton Welch
Journal, 8 May 1944, 11.15 p.m

because of you

i said i don't think you're going to hear from me for a while
i apologised
the bottom last thing stated was i was going to accept calls but i was not going to answer text messages
i know your hurt
im sorry
i dont know how long this is going to be
but there's a reason and the reason is you
i have a feeling that this 'im-not-going-to-talk-to-anymore' thing isn't going to last very long
something about you just keeps pulling me in
but i haven't been quite able to put my finger on it...

someday this pain will be useful to you

i ambled slowly around the block and then sat on the front stoop
i like to sit on the top step and look down on the people and dogs passing by
especially late on a summer night-it's like a slow parade
a young man and woman walked past-a handsome young man and pretty young woman
the man in a seersucker suit and the woman in an old-fashioned summer dress-and they were walking a bit apart from one another with a space between them
and the man was looking straight ahead and the woman had her arms crossed against her chest, hugging herself, looking down at her feet, at her toes that peeked out the open fronts of her shoes
and they both had the same gleefully suppressed smile on their faces
and i knew that they freshly in love
perhaps they had fallen in love having dinner in some restaurant with a garden or tables on the sidewalk
perhaps they had not even kissed yet
and they thought they had their whole lives to walk close together, touching, and wanted to anticipate the moment they touched for as long as possible
and they passed by without noticing me
something about watching them made me feel sad
i think it was too lovely:
the summer night, the opened-toed shoes, their face rapt with momentarily tamped-down joy
i felt i had witnessed their happiest moment, the pinnacle, and they were already walking away from it, but they did not know it

random fob asian adds me on msn

yesterday i had a conversation with a random girl who had added me on msn a few nights before
she started the conversation with 'hi'
it was so out of the blue that i skipped 'hi' and went straight to 'who's this'?
i said 'what up'? cause i noticed what i said before sounded a bit unfriendly
i then asked where she lived
she said 'merryland'
and i was like okay, wtf i never knew there could be a place called merryland
is it like christmas all year round?

the next thing i said was 'WHO ARE YOU?' in capital letters
a bit demanding aren't i? :D
well i was really curious, what can i say?
she totally skipped that question and asked 'wht ur name?'
i was like omfg not one of these msn addicts that shortens every word in the english dictionary even if they are already short enough
cause like... i seriously do have trouble understanding what they say half of the time...
hense i usually say something stupid
but anyways
because at that time i was still doing my homework and i had my pen in my hand and that pen was made by Jordi Labanda
so i was like wait... this could be a stalker! no way im giving my real name this early, so i used 'Jordi'
i asked like about like 3 more questions and she full on ignores them and answered one question
'where did you get my msn from'?
she said bebo
i knew she got it from there but i had to ask for confirmation
i then tell her that i live in broadmeadows (but which i really dont, its the closest suburb next to me)
i tell her my school, age and year level
i ask her which state she lives in and she says 'pattn'
i was like WTF? okay there is no 'pattn' in Australia is she some sort of foreigner???
and then straight after that she asks me which school i go to
I JUST SAID IT omg i think my eye balls were gonna pop out of there sockets from frustration and strain
i ask her again 'which state do you live in'?
she replies 'pattn'
i try to give a good example...
i say 'I LIVE IN VICTORIA!' (LOL)

dude. i basically felt like i was talking to an alien..
i think this girl adds randoms..

i ask 'which city is closest to you?'
she says 'nah. wait'
and she goes offline on me
i say to myself 'i think she blocked me'
...

i log onto bebo and type in her msn
it comes up with a profile
its hers
i click into her album and looked at the photos on the side displaying all her photos but smaller
and i was like full on wtf
all her photos were dark and you couldn't see shit
i returned to her homepage and clicked on comment
i typed up something on the lines of this...
'ey f*cking b*tch you can't f*cking block me and think that i'll never leave you alone
you f*cking added me on bebo. dumb kunt
im apparently one of your "friends" now
you better unblock me b*tch'

i had my cursor on the post comment
and i thought nahhh... i wont do that... i'm not that mean! i'll just wait until she comes back online
if she doesnt in... a... few days...or so...i'll post it!
i highlight everything and deleted it and typed 'who the eff is this? and posted it

i busied myself by replying back to old comments
and continued the small conversation with my niggarr-wee (not meaning anything racist)
i was like hrmmm... merryland... where could that be? i search it on google maps and it says that it is in nsw
i said to myself is this the so called 'pattn'?
the random girl comes back online and says 'hello again'
(shes lucky that i didnt post that comment. oh wells i could have and then deleted it :D)
i ask her 'do you live in nsw'?
she says 'yeah. i think so'
...
OMFG ALL THIS TIME!!
what a waste
i say 'you're making my blood pressure rise' and 'you made me break a blood vessel over finding where you live when you could of simply said nsw'
i was.. i dont know sort of laughing it off but like shattered in the inside... *shakes head*
i ask her how old she is and she says 14

...

moral:
don't talk to fobs
this is the reason why i hate talking to fob asians
its so hard...
and..
oh fuck it =="
no point explaining. you'll get what i mean...
...
(i never actually got her name until our next conversation)

is it wrong to want attention?

i hate it when i don't get attention
well i don't hate its just that i don't like it
i use to get attention
things have changed
you've moved on
but I'm still here
you're always busy
but you have enough to create time for others but not for me
am i being selfish?
the last time i talked to you was 2 days ago in a really long time
and the last time i saw you was on the autumn breaks
i think I'm slowly falling out
hopefully soon this is all over
I'm tired

askldjbfgiweubfk

Real posting: May 26, 2009 - Tuesday
Just noticed: 9 months...Now I feel like a hypocrite
God, I've been going for this long? I think I'm going to die
I've learn you need action to change something and not only words
Learned hurting you hurts me
A promise is a promise
And learned matches aren't as awesome as lights
Craven-A's?